Top Gear Pre2000 Episode Pt1
by redbattler917K
Summary: In this episode, the three go Le Mans, James drives an ugly Mustang in Bullitt country, Jeremy drives a non-existing Lamborghini, and the opening sequence has a mistake. All rights go to BBC and Top Gear. Enjoy!
1. The Mustang, The News, The Lambo

Pre-2000 Special

(Top Gear opening sequence)

Jeremy Clarkson (VO): Tonight, I drive a non-existing Lamborghini.

(A Lamborghini fly's down the airstrip)

Jeremy Clarkson (VO): Richard travels back to the 1950's.

(A Jaguar E-Type goes around a curve)

Jeremy Clarkson (VO): And James heads to San Fran in the wrong car.

(James is in a Mustang complaining about pointless things)

(Sequence ends, with the camera zooming onto the three presenters.

Jeremy Clarkson: Welcome everyone to a Pre-2000 Top Gear, and what I mean is Top Gear without the brand new cars.

James May: And that means we drive cars before 2000, such as Mustangs, Panteras, and Probes. I was very excited to hear the news that I would be going to drive a Mustang in a city that fits with it. And no, it isn't Los Angeles. That's full of people holding their guns sideways and people who have big houses.

(Audience laughs for a few short seconds)

(Scene cuts to a city by the bay, showing a windy Street and some trolleys, and an orange bridge. It then shows James sitting in front of a café reading a newspaper)

James May (VO): San Francisco. A city that is safer than the one south, and more famous for peaceful walks in parks. It is also a great place to film car chases, due its roads being… not so flat.

James May: One memorable car chase is the one from "Bullitt", starring the King of Cool, Steve McQueen. But it is also the one where you see the green Ford Mustang chasing the black Dodge Charger. I thought I would be finally driving the legendary green Mustang, but it turns out I would be driving this.

(Camera points to a King Cobra)

James May: This doesn't seem like a Mustang, as they were pretty, but also it doesn't seem cool, or fast. It seems like an upgraded Ford Pinto. Let's hope this isn't as bad as it seems.

(Scene cuts to inside the car)

James May (VO): And unfortunately, I was wrong.

James: Let me tell you one thing. It is absolute rubbish. Uncomfortable, dull, boring, slow, and ugly. This may have been made in 1978, where cars weren't very good, but Ford should've done better.

James (VO): This was based on the Mustang II, but it was quicker, more agile, as Ford said, but they seem the same.

James: Take a guess at how much horsepower it has…...thinking in the 300's? 200's? You're wrong… 147 horsepower makes up this car, and it does around 106 mph, slower than when a caravan rolls down the hill. It is terrible, but I found one good thing. The dashboard and the instruments. It's not all technical like an Aventador, and it's simple to read, but there are accuracy issues.

James (VO): But other than that, it's still the worst Mustang ever built, and I'm not the only one to say that.

James: In fact, there are some other people that think that, because the first Mustangs were pretty, and almost perfect. This one just makes people think different about the model, but they need to know the true story. Back in 1973, Ford saw the Mustang sales dropping, which meant if they continued to make the Mach 1, the Mustang would be gone. But the person who designed the original, he decided to plan out a Mustang that went back to the basics. He became President of Ford in 1970, and the Mustang II was born. It sold well, it was a true Mustang, but not everyone loved it.

James (VO): It may not have been better, but without, mustang would be dead.

James: And it is sad that the Mustang II ended when it started to get good, but they didn't think it would be a good "Bullitt".

(Screen cuts to James sitting on the Top Gear couch in the middle of the studio, with Richard and Jeremy)

Richard Hammond: James, you weren't trying to touch people's hearts, were you? Because that was catastrophic.

James: Listen, it was terrible and we must move to the news, and I want to show everyone that our US counterpart messed up the opening sequence to their show. Here it is.

(TV shows Top Gear USA opening sequence, with the crowd being silent)

Richard Hammond: What was that supposed to be?

Jeremy Clarkson: He said that was the opening sequence, to some other show.

James: It's not really Top Gear. Just a car show with Americans about to wreck cars when a commercial comes on. Where is the Top Gear theme?

Jeremy: I think my biggest complaint is that The Stig is inaccurate.

Richard: It looks spot on to me. Do you need real eyes Jeremy?

James: Do you have amnesia Hammond? You should remember when we went to America in 2007 where American Stig couldn't fit into Jeremy's Camaro.

Richard: Oh, you mean Fat Stig. He must've lost weight.

(Audience laughs)

Jeremy: Enough about this Top Gear USA nonsense, let's move on. Everyone remembers the license plate code right?

Audience: Yes!

Jeremy: Well we have more, here is one of them.

(TV screen says LE5 ZE773LIN)

Richard: I wonder if this guy is 77 years old and lives on the E77.

James: I find it funny that is says Led Zeppelin and has 77 as the p's, which is their worst tour year.

Jeremy: James, I thought you liked classical music, not classic rock.

(Audience laugh)

Jeremy: Here's another one.

(TV screen shows TO7 93AR)

Richard: That doesn't say Top Gear does it?

Jeremy: The code is saying Top Gear but not directly. Why would people switch around their number plates so it can say something like H311O? It costs you money to do that.

James: They were dropped on the head.

Richard: Let's talk about this for a moment. A science class in an American school has a fish tank that has a fish named called Squirt.

James: I thought this was car show, not a fish show.

Richard: You haven't heard the rest. Its full name is Squirt "The Stig", and wait till' Stig hears this.

Jeremy: The Stig won't be happy about that. Squirting him would make him mad.

James: Great news!

Jeremy & Richard: What? Romania has become Communist again?

James: No, but Dacia has decided to sell their Sandero's in Britain!

(The audience cheers)

Richard: Really? I should buy one!

Jeremy: Looks like there is a car better than the King Cobra. I want to move on to Lamborghini. Back in 1995, a prototype Lamborghini was designed by Italdesign. It looked great, the public loved it, but it never made it to production.

(Scene cuts to Jeremy, sitting on a yellow Lamborghini)

Jeremy: All of you know that this is the Gallardo that I'm sitting on, and it is a great car. But it wouldn't have happened if Lamborghini was still owned by company Megatech, which planned a car that was much unexpected.

(Shows a Lamborghini Cala driving down the airstrip)

Jeremy (VO): This is the car that would be here today in the Gallardo's spot if Lamborghini wasn't owned by Audi. It's called the Cala, which you can see here the one I'm driving is the only one ever made, because since it never made it into production, it's just a fully functional prototype.

Jeremy: This car was made to replace the Jalpa, which went out of production a few years before this was planned. But that… really wasn't a great car. But this, with a top speed of 181, it's fantastic.

(The Cala goes around the Hammerhead very quickly)

Jeremy: It feels like an early Gallardo, only without the German bits to it. I can't see through the back, no headroom, and the car is dangerous.

Jeremy (VO): This car has no specs at all, because it doesn't exist, but it feels like 410, which is almost the same as the Diablo.

(The Cala speeds down the airstrip)

Jeremy: I can tell you one thing, it is better than the Gallardo and the Jalpa combined, and it makes me think that Audi was stupid enough to ignore this true Lamborghini. It's a beautiful car out of all the Lambo's.

Jeremy (VO): We thank Italedesign for designing the car, and all the other bits to it, but unfortunately, their work was ignored when Audi dropped the funding for the Cala.

Jeremy: Who caused the Cala to not make it into production was not Audi… it was Megatech. Megatech said to Lamborghini "Goodbye, we don't need to own you because you make unsafe cars".

Jeremy (VO): Is the Cala really the Gallardo in disguise? No, the Gallardo doesn't act like one. And it really is sad that no one else got to drive it but me. But you can drive it in Need for Speed II. Go play.

(Scene cuts back inside the studio, with the audience clapping and cheering)

Richard: So you think the Cala is better than the Gallardo?

Jeremy: Yes.

Richard: Do you think it's better than the Skoda Yeti?

Jeremy: Why don't we do something else than talk about the best car in the world. Like….

James: You mean let The Stig take the Cala around the track, so we can see which is faster.

Jeremy: We can't.

James: Why?

Jeremy: Mr. 1947 has forgotten the rules of the Top Gear power lap board. If it has slick tires, or it won't start, it can't qualify for the rules. Also, if it doesn't exist, it can't go around at all.

James: But the Cala exists. You drove it like a fool around our track!

Jeremy: Remember when I drove the Volvo; it was a prototype, not a production car. If it's not in production, it doesn't meet the rules, so therefore, I win.

(Camera moves to Richard, who is on the other side of the studio)

Richard: I'm sure you know what we're doing right now, and because we haven't done it in a few years, it's time to do the Cool Wall!

(Audience cheers)

Jeremy: And we have a bunch of surprises, like this one.

(Pulls out a King Cobra card)

Richard: Oh dear, why have we decided to even put that on the wall?

Jeremy: This is absolutely terrible as James said earlier. This is the Mustang King Cobra: The worst Mustang ever to come from Ford.

(Walks over to a bearded man)

Jeremy: What do you think of this Jesus?

Jesus: I think it's ugly.

Jeremy: I think your beard looks better than this.

(Audience laughs)

Richard: It doesn't even deserve to be on Seriously Uncool. It should be in this new freezer I got for it.

(Pulls out a small freezer)

Jeremy: Is that for the Extremely Ridicously Uncool cars?

Richard: Yes and this car deserves to be in it.

Jeremy: Onwards to this.

(Pulls out a Porsche 917 card)

Richard: Isn't that a race car?

Jeremy: Well it was a champion, but this here is a production 917 going sell this year for 1.1 million pounds.

Richard: It looks good. Is this just a 917 without the paintjob?

Jeremy: Yes it is, but this has to be uncool because Porsche has toned down the power so people won't be killed.

Richard: What's the horsepower then? 700? 600?

Jeremy: You're not even close to how much it has. 499 bhp is under the lid. This has to go to Uncool because it does not feel like an original.

Richard: The Lamborghini Cala is one I have to agree with you on. It is Sub-Zero.

Jeremy: No it isn't because it doesn't exist, so therefore it has to go to Uncool.

Richard: But it has a prototype, which you said was good.

Jeremy: Not in production.

Richard: Never mind that, it's time for our big Top Gear trips, which has no Jeremy or James. It sounds like the 917K is getting old, as me, so I decided to celebrate my birthday by going to a world famous circuit.

(Scene cuts to the Eiffel Tower, then to the Arc de Triomphe, and finally the Louvre)

Richard (VO): I have decided to test out the new Porsche 917RS, which is a production version of the legendary 917K, and I thought I would finally be relaxing for once in France, but Jeremy and James had gotten the same idea.

Jeremy: I have decided to join in on this, because Ferrari has made a production version of another legend: the 512RS. Absolutely great in every way, more power than that ridiculously low powered 917.

Richard: Power isn't everything Jeremy, as we said a few series back. The 512 is a great car, but it's just too… dangerous.

Jeremy: Yes, it may be, but James may come in a SLR Roadster.

Jeremy (VO): And soon, James came in a Ford GT40… not really.

James: As you can see, I have done this properly. Lola has also joined in on this war of remakes with its classic T70, renamed as the T70SR.

Jeremy: James, you have clearly bought a Ford GT40 from 1968, not a T70SR. There is no such thing as a T70SR.

James: Is Lola a separate company from Ford? Yes it is, so you must be a cock in that Ferrari.

Richard: It sounds like the more power you have, the higher the cockometer goes.

(Laughter comes out of the three)

James (VO): After our cocking about, we set off to Le Mans, until surprisingly the instructions were really the wrong ones.

Jeremy (CB): Problem chaps. It says "Do not go to Le Mans. Instead, you must go to the Nurburgring to find out how dangerous it was driving the cars around the circuit".

Richard (CB): You're kidding are you?

James (CB): Cock.

Jeremy (VO): After the change of plans, we headed east instead of southwest to the Nurburgring, where along the way, we were to see how our cars would act.

(Camera cuts to the 512RS)

Jeremy: It is a bit surprising about one thing about this Ferrari, and that is the fact that Ferrari didn't do the thing where you would buy a special track day car, for 1.2 million pounds, and not let you have it in your garage so you can drive around town. The only times they would let you drive it is when they feel like it. But this, it just seems to be a regular Ferrari on the inside, but not on the outside.

Jeremy (VO): And unfortunately, the French police noticed what it was.

(Police siren sound)

Policeman: *speaking French*

Jeremy (Facing camera): They think that I stole this car from the Le Mans museum, and they're saying that I can't drive this until a Ferrari worker comes here to prove that this is a road car.

(Screen fades out to black)


	2. Another Detour?

_Many hours later_

(An Italian man is speaking to the French policeman)

Jeremy: What has happened was, the police thought we stole the cars from a museum and we have to follow them to the police station in Lille.

(James comes up with a "James is angry" expression)

James: You daft cock! Why would you put racing stickers on a car that was originally a Le Mans racer? It's stupid!

Jeremy: I thought the car looked a bit bland so I wanted to make it look cooler, and I have done it.

James: But you can't see the exterior of the car man!

Jeremy: Yes I know that but no one wants to look at a car with no paint design so I put sponsors on it.

Jeremy (VO): But before we could finish our argument, we had to get back in the cars and drive to the police station, which went well.

Richard: What's that noise?

(A buzzing noise rang from the windshield)

Richard: Oh god. Why won't it stop?

Jeremy (CB): Hammond?

Richard (CB): What is it?

Jeremy (CB): Has your Porsche gotten annoyed by you talking?

Richard (CB): Very funny Clarkson.

Richard (VO): After a brief visit to our favorite place, we set off into Germany, where we unfortunately had to take another detour, but this time into Belgium.

Jeremy: I don't why we have to take so many detours just to get to a racetrack with a bunch of bakers to help you bake cake. It's just very…. Wow. That's not what I think it is, is it?

(A sign comes up saying _Spa Francorchamps_)

James: This is great! (on CB) Isn't this great or what?

Richard (CB): I didn't you'd be too excited about this James, considering the fact that you're Captain Slow.

Jeremy (VO): As you may know, Spa is one of the most dangerous road courses in the world, just like the Nurburgring, and unlike Le Mans, but like Le Mans, it used to be part of the public roads, where as it's now a permanent racing course.

Richard: *eating some waffles* You want some?

Jeremy and James: No thanks.

(A man in a white coat walks to the three and hands Jeremy an envelope)

James: A challenge?

Richard: Better not be one of those rifle shooting ones. I hurt my chest in that one.

Jeremy: Let's see… Oh god.

James: What?

Jeremy: You will start at the last corner of the track and drive all the way past _Eau Rouge_. Whoever gets the highest top speed going past the corner wins, and they get free Belgian waffles for a year.

Richard: That's not hard at all. All you have to do is put your foot down and go past the curve.

Jeremy: Hammond, _Eau _Rouge is down there. *points head to the corner*.

Richard: Oh dear.

Jeremy: At least I know I'm going to beat you two in this because I have the fastest and most powerful racer of the three.

(Screen fades to black and back into the studio)

Jeremy: Why did you stop it there?

James: Because in America it's commercial time.

(Audience laughs)

Jeremy: Fine. Just put a still image of Boris Johnson for 2 minutes.


End file.
